Here I Go Again

I just had another one of THOSE moments that reveals an area of confusion or stress or selfishness or any other 'uncomfortable' characteristic inside of me. I just received a letter from one of my sisters giving me an update on our mother. (She wrote the update and then made copies for each sibling.) Through past correspondence I knew this was coming; just didn't know when or what it would look like. Anyway, Mom has been moved from her independent living apartment to an assisted living one. This new 'home' is in the same complex, which is wonderful. My sister even made sure Mom's new apartment is the same layout and look of the previous one. She and more of my family who live in the Kansas City area moved the furnishings and put everything in the same location as it was before. Mom probably doesn't even know that she has moved. She hasn't even said anything to me about it when I speak with her over the phone. (I still haven't had the courage to ask her if she even knows who I am. I just say, "Hi Mom; this is Libby-etc., etc.")

When we moved Mom into the original facility one year ago, we talked about the idea of having each sibling contribute financially to her care. Nothing was set in stone, so to speak, but a determined monthly donation would certainly be helpful. Inwardly I fidgeted and groaned and fought against that. I prayed and talked with my husband (very gracious and generous man). Although we certainly had not budgeted for anything such as this, I wrote a check. I continued to pray. Most of what was going through my mind was, "I did not sign up for having to pay for my mom's care...especially since Dad is still around." But that is another chapter with both miserable and joyful stuff-okay, maybe it's a whole other book. As time went by, I began to think and truly feel that, yes, Mike and I could contribute that monthly amount. I became excited to be able to help; to know that God would show us how and where to sacrifice to do so. I was both humbled and honored to give toward the care of this woman whom I will always rise up and call blessed.

Then came the aforementioned letter. My sister (who, I must add, is an amazing woman and has worked so selflessly and diligently to care for Mom) included in the update a financial breakdown of what it would cost to now care for Mom. The monthly contribution needs to be more than double. OUCH!! My first reaction was right back to my initial reaction one year ago. "She is not my responsibility! I need to take care of MY family! This is not, nor will it ever be, in our budget!" I could go on. Bottom line-if we siblings don't contribute to this degree, we don't know what will become of Mom's care. I will say that as siblings, we are all very open to doing things differently-finding other options for care, etc. My main reason for blogging about this is that I am once again reminded that just when I think I am 'getting it all together', something happens to show me that my 'getting it all together' can often be based upon rather selfish motives-maybe looking for a more comfortable life; maybe thinking that all that we have strived to obtain and to achieve is all for us. It could be any number of things. There is much that has happened in the brief history of Mom's journey into the darkness of dementia. Much that should have/could have been done differently to prevent what now feels like such a financial mess. Believe me, I would LOVE for it all to be so different. But it is what it is. And so now I am revisiting those same feelings of yuck from one year ago. BUT, I am trusting that God will show me once again what His desire and design are for this situation. He has already enabled me to relax and to not be consumed by this new thing. I am trusting that as I lay all of this before Him-again-He will put His desires into me, and I will again be completely excited to do things HIS way. As I am typing this, the song "Hungry" is going through my being.

Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy.

I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry.

So I wait for You. So wait for You.

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me.

Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life.

So I wait for You. So I wait for You.

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me.

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

(1999 Vineyard Songs/Words & Music by Kathryn Scott)

He's given me everything good that I am and all that I have, including the wonderful blessings of my parents and family. May I always choose to gladly and willingly give it all back to Him and wait for His perfect next move. "God-Father, Son, and Holy Spirit-You are amazingly good to me. Thank You for letting me express to You what You already know. Thank You for being in complete control. Thank You for letting me be Yours."

And thank YOU for reading,

Libby