Plans

Crying really isn't the appropriate response when hearing someone's pregnant, is it? I don't mean the tears of joy kind, I mean the real, sobbing kind. The "poor-me-I'm-so-sad-and-feel-so-bad" kind.

Well, that's exactly what I did when I heard the news that my sister-in-law was pregnant. Two? She gets two? Married only 6 weeks before me, and she gets two before I get one? While I'm what may be light-years away one? Not that I'm not happy to have nieces and nephews, but both of my sisters-in-law pregnant at the same time may be more than I can emotionally handle.

I just for the life of me can not figure out what God is thinking. I swear my uterus is going to be shriveled up and no good by the time we are in a place where we can start our family. Our parents will be too old and frail to enjoy their grandkids, and my children will have no cousins their age. None. They'll be the only ones at the "kids" table at Thanksgiving, everyone else having moved up to the adults table. I will probably even be on Medicare by the time they graduate high school.

God is totally messing up on this one.

He just is not moving things according to plan. This is not how my life is supposed to go. Did I wind up on the naughty list somehow? Does He somehow manage to run out of blessings by the time He gets down to my name? Why isn't He doing things the way we've discussed?

For I know the plans I have for You, Emily.

Oh no. These are not Your plans, God...these are OUR plans. Mutual. I get some say in all of this.

For I know the plans I have for You, Emily.

Okay, God. They're Your plans. You are God after all. I have to at least acknowledge that.

For I know the plans I have for You, Emily.

You have plans? Actual plans for my life? You, God, have a plan and purpose for this crazy life of mine? Thought out, specifically designed plans just for me?

For I know the plans I have for You, Emily.

Did you hear that? God has plans for me. For me, Emily Megan Smith. Custom, unique, plans for me. So maybe they're not my plans, but they're my Father's plans.

And it looks like for now, the plan for me is:

-No dirty, stinky, rank, awful, foul, nasty diapers

-Hanging out with friends 'til whenever I want, no bedtimes to worry about

-Sleeping in on Saturdays

-No morning sickness, swelling body parts, or hours and hours of labor

-Having plenty of hand-me-downs to choose from when my turn finally comes along

-Never needing to find a babysitter

-Did I mention no diapers??

-Enjoying this time with just my husband and me

-Learning to be the BEST AUNT EVER

Okay, so I guess I need to learn to trust You more in all of this. And maybe, just maybe, Your plans aren't so bad after all.

Emily