Hide and Seek

Do you remember playing "Hide and Seek"? Oh how I loved to be the LAST one to be found. Reflecting back to those times, now I kind of think it was a challenge that I took way too seriously! Those were great times.,,great memories!

Recently I discovered I had been playing "Hide and Seek" once again, only this time it was the 'grown-up' version...much different. I was hiding, and the really interesting part is that I didn't even know it. Okay.maybe I did. Yeah.I did. For quite some time I had been struggling with.ME. Who am I - really? What is my purpose? Do I really know God? Am I a fraud? Where are You, God? HELP!!

That was (and sometimes still is) my 'life on the inside'. 'Life on the outside', however, went along as 'normal'. Click, click, click...well-oiled machine. I knew I was closing in on real desperation when certain actions from others would trigger sleeping sensitivities inside of me. My gut would start churning. I would begin to feel flushed. Then the awful feelings of jealousy (ouch), insecurity (double ouch), and even anger and bitterness would begin to awaken. I would tell myself that all of what I was feeling was very real, but very hurtful.both to myself and potentially to others. So, I would rock all of those hurting places inside of me back to sleep and pray they would never wake up.

How ridiculous. I really think I was experiencing both a sense of desperately wanting to DO the right thing - to be humble and meek, while also being too proud to reveal the extent of my hidden places to anyone. I began to cry out to God - complete with real tears. I don't even know how long this continued. I don't remember the beginning, and I certainly couldn't see a happy ending in sight. It just began to feel as if this was going to be 'the rest of my life' - one big yucky ash heap that I would attempt to cover with anything that appeared to be good and beautiful. It might look nice, but it was still just useless trash underneath it all! I felt 'doomed' when I realized that I couldn't even genuinely weep with those who weep or rejoice with those who rejoice. I was making life all about me-and I hated it. Even crying out to God felt selfish-me, me, me, me! Whatever.

I must say that throughout this entire ordeal, I maintained a deep and unique sense of joy and even peace. I know that might sound wacky and impossible, but I truly think it was that joy and peace that kept me grounded and hanging on to nothing but God - even when I felt nothing of His presence. During this time I began to feel so unworthy and even deserving of His abandonment. But also during this time I knew that I knew that I knew He would NEVER leave me. I didn't need to 'feel' His presence to know that He was with me. My faith was bruised and shaken, but still intact. I knew that I would never leave Him. Oh how I longed to just be okay again. No - I longed to be way more than just 'okay'... I desperately wanted to be what Jesus created me to be, and I wanted to be it so excellently... I just didn't know what to do next. So.I kept on hiding. I knew I wasn't hiding from God; I was simply hiding from the people who mattered so much to me. Little did I know I was about to be found - by my circle of friends. To be continued...

Thanks for reading,

Libby